Michael Longfellow Issues Plea To Save TikTok On Weekend Update: “Jesus Christ Was Chinese”

In his first political opinion ever, Michael Longfellow offered a final plea to save TikTok after the app officially went dark earlier today.

Joining “Weekend Update” co-host Michael Che, the featured player’s tight, 3-minute appearance highlighted all the reasons the U.S. government should want to keep the social media platform available for its residents.

Responding to Che’s assertion that there were legitimate reasons to put a moratorium on the app, Longfellow hit back: “Like what? Because it’s Chinese? So we’re just banning things because they’re from China now? You know who else was from China? [pointing upward toward the sky] That’s right, Jesus Christ. I thought he was Middle Eastern, but I saw it on a TikTok: Chinese!”

What about concerns for data privacy? “Who cares about my data? Oh no, China knows I like thick Latinas. Who doesn’t? Give me a break,” he quipped in his signature deadpan delivery.

And the brain rot? “I have no attention span. I have ADHD. I’ll never forget being diagnosed. It was last year. I took a TikTok quiz, and the third time I took it, it said I might have ADHD,” he said, adding that the app prescribed him Adderall.

In a moment of futility, Longfellow lamented he can’t recall his life pre-TikTok: “I know I lived a life before TikTok — I must have. But that boy is dead. He’s dead and he’s never coming back. Without TikTok, I don’t know anything anymore. What do I do at work? What do I even watch during a movie?”

What about the movie itself? “But during, Che,” Longfellow said, “when I get bored for like a few seconds? I’m moving to China.”

Also featured on a segment this week was Sarah Sherman in heavy prosthetics and with an exaggerated Transylvanian accent as the original Nosferatu, commenting on Robert Eggers’ new take. The featured player acted alongside co-host Colin Jost, giving audiences a familiar dose of the duo’s signature flirtatious banter and digs at the latter’s made-up cocaine usage and chauvinism.

“I thought [the adaptation] sucked!” she said, posing and quivering her spindly talons as the shot transitioned to a black-and-white filter and played discordant piano chords. (One of several Nosferatu-isms à la SpongeBob SquarePants.)

Among the complaints: “How did he get so swole? Vampires only do one sit-up a day and it’s like this,” she said, crossing her arms across her chest and pantomiming slowly rising out of a coffin.

See the segments below: