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This whole story is asinine but I’ve seen people on “both sides” amplifying it, so we might as well get into it. Paul Burrell was Princess Diana’s butler and friend. After Diana’s death, he was accused of stealing Diana’s belongings and he was about to be put on trial, but then Queen Elizabeth II intervened at the last minute and told prosecutors that she recalled telling Burrell years before that he could and should keep some of Diana’s things for safekeeping. Since then, Burrell has fancied himself some kind of royal expert, and he regularly gives quotes to various media outlets about the royal stories of the day. In recent years, he’s taken a hard anti-Sussex bent, because I guess that’s what pays. Burrell’s recent interview has the feel of Burrell being issued certain talking points and just sort of mindlessly reciting them. This is all having to do with the British media’s biggest fear/desire for Meghan to write her own memoir, something which there is literally no indication she will ever do.
Meghan’s nonexistent memoir: “I am waiting for Meghan to release her own memoir,” Paul Burrell exclusively told The Post. “[She] is inevitably going to write her side of the story because of how absent she was from ‘Spare,’ and that is because she is penning her memoir and telling it from a woman’s perspective.”
Meghan’s story: Burrell warned that the royal family should “watch out” for the “explosion” that the “Suits” alum’s rumored book could cause. There’s “going to be another bomb in the House of Windsor…another explosion will go off when we find out that she is going to publish, and she will. There is no way she is going to stay quiet: she is going to want her side of the story out there and that will do even further damage to the royal family and rock them even more.”
Harry is mad at Kate: “I understand why they are upset because Kate went to great lengths to find out if a royal life was for her and it caused her issues, but they both worked it out and she committed herself to a life of public service. This wasn’t a case of fitting the mold — it’s a case of finding the right person to do the job. Harry has got a nerve to say that because his mother was pressured into an arranged marriage and made to fit the mold. Harry is not always the sharpest tool in the box so he should lay off Kate and William. Kate is doing an amazing job.”
Harry’s regrets: Burrell believes that the Duke of Sussex, 39, “will come to regret” the comments he made about his family. “He has to be careful about attacking the royal family,” the former butler said on behalf of Slingo. “Meghan and Harry have forgotten their only unique selling point is being royal, so why are they trying to destroy the institution? It doesn’t make sense.” He also insists that the Sussexes will never be invited back into the royal fold “with open arms,” adding that “the doors are firmly shut.”
No space for the Sussexes: The royals “are keeping tight-lipped and they are keeping everything in-house,” Burrell added. “I think that is their tactic. They have regrouped and pulled together and there is no space for Meghan and Harry.”
It’s like royal-commentary Mad Libs at this point. The royals are mad at Harry, Harry is mad at Kate, Harry and Meghan desperately need the royals, the royals don’t want him but he better not say anything bad about them or else they’ll never let him come back! The thing about “This wasn’t a case of fitting the mold — it’s a case of finding the right person to do the job” is a reference to Robert Hardman’s dumb book, in which sources claimed that William was furious with Harry for making a “blatant attack on Catherine.” That attack? Harry said that men in his family tend to marry women who “fit the mold” rather than their soulmates. Most people believed Harry was referencing his own parents’ marriage, but William kept screaming to everyone that Harry’s words were about his marriage to Kate. William has done more to insult Kate than Harry ever has. Besides, absolutely no one thought that Kate fit any mold, nor did anyone think that Kate was the best person for “the job” of being William’s wife. She was simply the only one who wanted that job.
Also: the royal peeps are desperate for content and they would love nothing more than a memoir from Meghan. That would keep them in business for another year. Truth be told, I would love for Meghan to tell her story too, but I just don’t think it’s going to happen at this point.
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** RIGHTS: ONLY UNITED STATES, BRAZIL, CANADA ** London, UNITED KINGDOM – Prince William, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle attend an Anzac Day Service of Commemoration and Thanksgiving at Westminster Abbey.
 
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 Please Pixelate Face Prior To Publication* ** RIGHTS: ONLY UNITED STATES, BRAZIL, CANADA ** London, UNITED KINGDOM – British Royals attend Trooping The Colour – The Queen’s official birthday parade. The Queen’s Colour of First Battalion Grenadier Guards is trooped in the presence of The Queen to mark her official birthday.
 
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 Please Pixelate Face Prior To Publication* LONDON, ENGLAND – FEBRUARY 28: (L-R) Prince Harry, Meghan Markle and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge attend the first annual Royal Foundation Forum held at Aviva on February 28, 2018 in London, England. Under the theme ‘Making a Difference Together’, the event will showcase the programmes run or initiated by The Royal Foundation.
Britain’s Prince Harry, his wife Meghan, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge arrive at Westminster Abbey for a service to mark the centenary of the Royal Air Force (RAF), in central London, Britain July 10, 2018. The Duchess of Cambridge sits near the Duchess of Sussex as they attend the Westminster Abbey Commonwealth day service. Commonwealth Day has a special significance this year, as 2019 marks the 70th anniversary of the modern Commonwealth, with old ties and new links enabling cooperation towards social, political and economic development which is both inclusive and sustainable. The Commonwealth represents a global network of 53 countries and almost 2.4 billion people, a third of the worlds population, of whom 60 percent are under 30 years old. Each year the Commonwealth adopts a theme upon which the Service is based. This years theme A Connected Commonwealth speaks of the practical value and global engagement made possible as a result of cooperation between the culturally diverse and widely dispersed family of nations, who work together in friendship and goodwill. The Commonwealths governments, institutions and people connect at many levels, including through parliaments and universities. They work together to protect the natural environment and the ocean which connects many Commonwealth nations, shore to shore. Cooperation on trade encourages inclusive economic empowerment for all people – particularly women, youth and marginalised communities. The Commonwealths friendly sporting rivalry encourages people to participate in sport for development and peace. The Duke and duchess of Cambridge stand with the duke and Duchess of Sussex at Westminster Abbey for a Commonwealth day service. Commonwealth Day has a special significance this year, as 2019 marks the 70th anniversary of the modern Commonwealth, with old ties and new links enabling cooperation towards social, political and economic development which is both inclusive and sustainable. The Commonwealth represents a global network of 53 countries and almost 2.4 billion people, a third of the worlds population, of whom 60 percent are under 30 years old. Each year the Commonwealth adopts a theme upon which the Service is based. This years theme A Connected Commonwealth speaks of the practical value and global engagement made possible as a result of cooperation between the culturally diverse and widely dispersed family of nations, who work together in friendship and goodwill. The Commonwealths governments, institutions and people connect at many levels, including through parliaments and universities. They work together to protect the natural environment and the ocean which connects many Commonwealth nations, shore to shore. Cooperation on trade encourages inclusive economic empowerment for all people – particularly women, youth and marginalised communities. The Commonwealths friendly sporting rivalry encourages people to participate in sport for development and peace.