Six Degrees of St Patrick

Morning all. And happy St Patrick’s Day to you.

You know that thing ‘Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon’? It’s where you can link any actor to the aforementioned Hollywood star 6 steps or less. The same is also true of St Patrick and any Irish player who has appeared in an Arsenal shirt. Don’t believe me? Watch.

1 – St Patrick

A nomadic lad, some people say he was Welsh like Aaron Ramsey or that lad who turned into Brian Clough in that film about Brian Clough, but the fact is one day he turned up in Ireland. He probably got the ferry from Holyhead and went overboard on the cans of Harp, and to save his blushes he pretended to be Irish.

“Oi sware, O’m on Orishman troo and troo” he said, before taking things just too far.

2 – Snakes

In all the ‘St Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland’ stuff, little mention is given to the lives he ruined by doing that. First, the snakes themselves. They were having a grand time, not really bothering anyone, just slithering along in the grass. It’s not like we had Pythons or Anacondas or any other kind that might star in a film with that guy who used to be in Beverly Hills 90210 or something. Just the little ones who were quite happy to mind their own business.

Secondly, he ruined the snake adjacent economy. The snake pet food shops went out of business. The snake-skin boot emporiums all had to close. Not to mention the damage it did to the hospitality industry. Everyone thinks ‘Oooh, Japan is so amazing with their sushi’, and I’m not doing them down. It’s delicious. But you get your nice bit of eel nigiri and think you’re so sophisticated, but we had snake on mashed potatoes and it was a staple up and down the land.

Without their key ingredient, many restaurateurs simply had to emigrate.

3 – Planes

Ok, there weren’t planes back then, because gravity hadn’t been invented yet, but boats were the planes of the time. Some fleeing Irish people headed across the Atlantic, and going against the wishes of St Patrick, hid their pet snakes in their suitcases. One man, Neville Flynn, overlooked the fact he had a breeding pair, and the slow crossing coupled with the fast gestation time of lady snakes meant that soon the vessel was overrun.

At one point, he was heard to exclaim, “I have had enough of these mammyfeckin’ snakes on this mammyfeckin’ boat’, but everyone basically ignored him because it was his own fault.

4 – Boston

This is where many of the Irish ended up, as evidenced by the look of the people from this city nowadays. Take comedian Bill Burr as an example. Pale, red hair, and exceptionally sweary. All the Irish characteristics you can think of.

In order to assimilate without any hassle, the newly arrived Irish people co-opted all the things they saw around them. Working on the building sites, organised crime, and, of course, basketball. The Irish influence on the game is barely mentioned these days, although I believe there is a six part Netflix documentary in the works which will bring to light so much that has been forgotten. It’ll be like that Formula 1 show they have, expect not everyone will be an absolute twat.

5 – The Celtics

The Boston basketball team invented by the Irish immigrants which hasn’t won the NBA for years, mostly because it has lost its roots, but then it is tough to find seven foot tall people of Irish descent because they all went to Australia and ended up turning into folks like look that lad who plays Thor. And his Aussie rules looking brother.

However, they do have some good players, none of whom I care to mention this morning in case they get carried away with themselves, but here’s where it comes back to Arsenal. One current player is a huge fan of the Celtics …

6 – Arsenal’s right winger …

Many Irish football fans bemoan the losses of Jack Grealish and Declan Rice to the England national side, but in truth Bukay O’Saka is the most painful one of all. Imagine him lashing the crosses in for Evan Ferguson, we’d win the World Cup. But much like the Elgin Marbles, the English stole him from us and such is their hubris they make him play for Gareth Southgate.

A nation weeps.

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See! It’s six degrees of St Patrick and Arsenal. Have a good one folks. Raise a glass to St Patrick of Vieira and St Pat of Rice.

Till tomorrow.

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